I remember it all to well, the day my lead pastor walked into my office with an envelope in his hand. He asked if I had a few minutes to chat, which we all know is code for "you're screwed". He gave me the letter and let me read it. It was from an anonymous parent that was less than pleased with how things had went for their teenager in the student ministry I was leading. The letter was scathing, calling me names I'd rather not repeat and questioning my leadership. The parent, who wrote the letter, held nothing back. Instead of delivering the letter to me, of course, they sent it to my lead pastor. I was mad, I was hurt and since the letter wasn't signed with a name I tried to figure out who could have written such a letter. I will never forget that conversation, I will never forget the letter and I still to this day have no idea who wrote it. So my question is, how do you handle criticism?
If you are in ministry long enough you learn quickly that criticism comes with the territory. As a general rule, most people respond to criticism poorly. I know that my first reaction is to put up my walls and get defensive. I get defensive because I feel they are taking a shot at my character, my identity and my competency. If I am totally transparent with you, I hate criticism, constructive criticism and negative criticism. I don't like knowing Im not good enough or at least feeling like I'm not good enough. Taking a defensive stance on criticism is the least effective way to approach push back. Below are three ways I am learning (yes, learning cause its still hard sometimes) to deal with criticism. 1. Consider The Source Who is it that is bringing criticism? The answer to this question dictates how much stock you should place in the push back. There are people who are going to negative about pretty much anything. There are people who will always go to bat for you. When the people that usually go to bat for you are giving you feedback, you should probably listen a little harder. On the flip side, do not give the wrong people more credit than they should have. Ask yourself, "does this person bring a perspective that I should listen to?" The answer to that question will lead you into the next point. 2. Where's The Truth Once you have determined whether the person giving feedback is a perspective you need to listen to, you need to find the truth in their statement, feedback or criticism. More often than not, they are not 100% correct in what they are saying. What if their feedback is 50% right? Shouldn't that be enough to take note of and acknowledge? Even if its just 10% correct, its worth taking in and acknowledging the truth that is there. When you look for the truth in the feedback/criticism you are approaching it with humility. That posture of humility when receiving feedback/criticism helps you evaluate honestly and allows you the opportunity to grow and not be offended. 3. Humbly Respond Your response to the person bringing the feedback/criticism will let them know what type of a leader you are. Humble leaders are gracious in their response, quick to acknowledge truth and will own mistakes or short comings to provide a clear road to resolution. Every person deserves a gracious response, no matter the circumstances and no matter how fired up you might be. If you need to wait a day, a week or longer in order to garner a humble response then wait the appropriate amount of time. Your response will leave a lasting impression of you and your organization. Those are just some things I have learned and still need to be reminded of often. So what about you? How do you handle criticism? Do you have any good tricks you use?
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Parents are often a source of frustration as a youth pastor. They either don't value your programming like they should or are highly critical of whats going on at the church. You have to get past the urge to not care about them. The truth is they care, and care a lot. They, more than likely, have no idea how to do your job and the nuances/pressure that goes with it. Instead of holding a grudge, being dismissive or writing them off, what if you started building bridges with the parents of the students at your church?
Here are a few things you can start doing right now to make parents a priority and communicate to them how important they are! (You can get all 21 ways to make parents a priority HERE!) 1. Tee It Up For Them Most youth ministries do not think about parents when they plan events. You think about the students loving the event and what the student can get out of it. This mindset isn't necessarily a bad thing, obviously you want students to love the events you put on but I believe that there is a crucial piece missing. What if you took your events and designed some of them for parents to have the winning conversation with their child. You are probably good at setting up a great environment for your students to learn or have an encounter with God. It’s probably easy for you to get up and craft an incredible message about the harmful affects of pornography, the importance of purity, identity in Christ etc. I would imagine you are used to having those serious conversations with students and challenging them in their faith when it comes to the issue at hand. Where there is a drop off is the follow up, accountability and follow through with commitments that are being made. Lets be honest, we get to see our students for a few hours a week tops. This is where I think youth ministry can take huge steps in designing meaningful experiences, include mom and dad and allow parents to be the primary disciple makers and provide accountability to their own kids. When you set mom and dad up to have the winning conversation you communicate that you understand their God given role as a parent. Parents usually aren't great at carving out time to have the kind of talks they should be having with their kids. Take the guess work out of it and make space for them to enter into the dialogue. What you can do today: Think critically about some of the events you currently do or dream up a new one. Here are some ideas to get your brain moving in the right direction. Mother Daughter Mud Run - Create a mud obstacle course and set up Moms to have a conversation about their daughters identity in Christ. Father Son Event - Flag football and a chili cook-off to set up dads to have a conversation about pornography and sexual integrity with their son. Father Daughter Ball - Host a formal event where everyone gets dressed up has a nice meal, maybe even have some dancing and set up dad to talk about sexual integrity with their daughter and how they will fight with them and for them when it comes to this matter. Mother Son Adventure Race - The amazing race on TV has some incredibly compelling challenges and is fun to watch. You as a youth pastor can probably create something just as fun for moms and their sons to experience. Plan it all to set mom up to have a conversation about how to treat the opposite sex and what being a man of God looks like from their perspective. These are just ideas, what could it look like for your student ministry at your church! 2. Options For Them Most parents enjoy being a part of what their kids are a part of. Think about the community rec sports landscape. How many dads and moms volunteer to coach their kids soccer team or little league team and have really no business being the coach? They do it because they want their child to have an awesome experience playing that sport. I believe that they would do the same thing for your ministry if they realized there was a need and that there were different options for them to serve and be a part of your student ministry. There are parents that would be rock star small group leaders, worship leaders, game inventors, set designers, curriculum developers, light programmers, cafe workers, etc. They are missing the personal ask or the option to use their gifts. Can you create enough options for every parent in your ministry to have a meaningful serving opportunity? That is more of a challenge than anything else. There are parents that honestly do not want to serve in the same place their kids attend but there are some that are waiting for you to ask them or show them options of how they could plug in. What you can do today: Start writing down different ways you could utilize parents in your ministry. Think outside the box and start dreaming about what could be. Create 3 new opportunities that currently aren't options in your ministry. Get ready to send out those opportunities and see what happens. 3. Plan For Them Your ministry calendar usually revolves around the school schedules in your community. Do you think about families when you plan events or give families the space to spend time together? Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving are all holidays where you have to make a decision on when to have programming and when not to, or when to schedule an event and when not to. Consider that families are looking for chances to spend together in the midst of the busyness of life. Help your families out with your schedule, realize the need for family time and plan accordingly. What you can do today: Send out a survey to your parents and ask them about the holidays, when it would be good to have programming or an event and when it would be detrimental. Get good data before you make decisions. This will endear you to parents if they know you are thinking about them before you plan. What are you doing to INCLUDE parents in youth ministry? Parents are often a source of frustration as a youth pastor. They either don't value your programming like they should or are highly critical of whats going on at the church. You have to get past the urge to not care about them. The truth is they care, and care a lot. They, more than likely, have no idea how to do your job and the nuances/pressure that goes with it. Instead of holding a grudge, being dismissive or writing them off, what if you started building bridges with the parents of the students at your church? Here are a few things you can start doing right now to make parents a priority and communicate to them how important they are! (You can get all 21 ways to make parents a priority HERE!) 1. Value Them Parents want to know that they are valued. They want to know that you don’t take them for granted, you don’t just want to use them and the resources they represent and that you don’t just want their signature on forms, so their kid can go to a trampoline house without threat of legal ramifications. Parents want to know that you value them as a parent, their family and maybe most of all their child that they are entrusting you with. One of the biggest ways you show parents how much you value them is how much of an interest you take in their child’s life. The most significant investment you can make for the entire family is pouring into the students that call your student ministry home base. Get to know the students that call your church their home church. The families that are highly invested at your church need to know that you value their student and the investment they are making. They will almost feel entitled to that treatment because of what they do for the church at large or because they give a lot to the church. You have to manage that tension by loving your students well and casting a great vision for parents and students. There is nothing you can do to value parents more than spending time with their student and their friends. Get to know the students that have no church home but show up for your student ministry nights. For the students that walk through the doors without a church home you are the link between everyday life and the life changing message of Jesus. You can make such a massive difference in the lives of those families. I have seen families start coming to church because their middle schooler started showing up to student ministry nights. Those family’s lives were forever changed because of the investment made by you the youth pastor to get to know their student in a deep way. What you can do today: 1. Get a group together for breakfast before school or just because. Nothing says quality time like all you can eat pancakes and random conversations. 2.Call new students and talk to their parents, thanking them for allowing them to be a part of the night and ask them if they have any questions. Open the door and let them in! 3.Go to your studentsevents, especially the ones that mean the most to them. Show up to a sporting event, musical, concert that your students are involved in and make sure you talk to the parents that are present. Taking interest in their student tells parents that their family matters to you and that they are valuable. 2. Write Them I don’t really know anyone that doesn't like to get meaningful mail. I’m not talking about the spam mail with the used car scratch off sweepstakes. I’m talking about those cards or letters that were hand written by someone that cares about you. Hand written notes let people know that you took time out of your busy day to think about them. One of the most impactful things you can do is write handwritten notes to parents. Encourage them, let them know that you are available for them if they need anything, tell them how great their student is and make sure they know how to get a hold of you. What would the trajectory of your ministry be if you valued families that much to write parents and encourage them as they journey down the difficult path of parenting teenagers? You can get cheap stationary from any big box store or you can get postcards made pretty cheap from a number of different online vendors that can be branded with your student ministry logo. There are options there, just do something! What you can do today: Pick 5 families that pop into your mind and take 30 minutes and write them notes. As you are writing them make sure to pray for them as well. It’s a great opportunity to focus your prayers on specific families and what they are going through. 3. Encourage Them Parenting a teenager can be downright discouraging. It only takes a few months of being a student pastor to figure out that some parents are feeling like they are failing at this parenting through the teenage years. One of the most valuable things you can as a student pastor is to encourage the parents in your ministry. If you think about all the tough conversations you need to have with middle school and high school students, just multiply that by 100 and that’s a snapshot of parenting that age group. The majority of the time the parents in your ministry feel isolated and alone. They have to know they have someone cheering them on, someone to talk to, a group of people to bounce ideas off of. Encourage the parents in your ministry by creating space for them. Encourage parents in your ministry by encouraging them verbally, through email, through a hand-written note. Encourage them by letting them know how you are seeing their teenager grow in their faith. Encourage them by gathering groups of parents together to have open conversations about issues they are going through. They have to know that what they are doing is enough (if it is). They have to know that it’s a marathon and not a sprint. Parents need to be encouraged and you are sitting, as the student pastor, in the perfect spot to make that happen. What you can do today: Start encouraging!!!! Get a list of all the families in your ministry and write one or two encouragement notes a week. Think about a couple in your church, empty nesters, that would be willing to host a group of parents and lead them through a Godly parenting curriculum. This is an awesome way to build up your parents and use other parents in your church that have been there and done that to encourage and challenge Don't wait to make parents know how much you care! Get a strategy around parents and try! |
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